My Superpowers and B’s Future Cause of Death

My old superpower wasn’t really one to covet. But, we don’t get to choose them, do we? They choose us…or something like that. The fact is, I used to have the ability to sleep for HOURS. No, not 8 or 10. We’re talking 12, 14, 16 hours. I could nap any day any time any where. I never didn’t need an alarm clock. Please believe that I did NOT sleep all the time. I had a busy life. But I COULD sleep, well, forever. “LAZY GIRL!” “SLOTH WOMAN!” “THE SLEEPER!” Even when said in that thundering comic book voice, it really does nothing to instill hope and awe—except maybe for those people who suffer from insomnia, or who lie awake for an hour before falling asleep or upon waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Maybe I’m their hero… But not anymore. Apparently my super-weakness is infants and small children. I don’t sleep much or well, and I CANNOT nap.

But, now, for my new superpower. I am “IMMUNO-GIRL.” I pretty much never get sick. Ok, so I hardly ever get sick, and when I do I’m over it in a quarter of the time that it takes the rest of us to get over it. Sadly, B has had no fewer than 100 common colds since we got married. Yes, very common for him. I’ve caught maybe three. So, I figure one of us is unique. I like to think it’s me with a superpower. However, I’ve been picking up evidence that maybe there’s something wrong with B. And, I’ve finally figured out what it might be. B is heading towards a death caused by too good health. Sure, he gets colds, but they are brought on because his health is too GOOD. He exercises and he eats healthier than competitors on the Biggest Loser. And, look what it’s got him:

Exhibit A:
Location: Atlanta
Nurse takes pulse; exclaims, “I’ve never taken a pulse that slow.”

Exhibit B:
Location: SD
Cholesterol screening at work. Cholesterol so low he is in the “danger zone”. Must receive full blood panel to make sure he is still, in fact, alive (or doesn’t have cancer, which can cause cholesterol to go way, way down).

Maybe if he would consent to eating fats and sugars he could beef up his immune system. I think 70% of my diet is fat and sugar (too much, I know—but it’s turned out to be like a radioactive spider to me).

Quick! Marge! How many kids do we have??!?!

The taxes are filed. Hey, it's worth a post this year. We wanted to get them finished "early" this year--you know, before CA runs out of money--so I guess, technically we're about forty years late. It would have been accomplished sooner, but our February...[sigh] I'd just like to forget about February. I'm just hoping that the majority of folk really do wait till the last second to do theirs. I wish I could see the stats for date of tax filing. How many get theirs filed in February? Are we doing well to have them in by the last week of March? Have some people forgotten about them completely? How many turn them in late? As always, we used both major tax filing outfits (you know the ones) to prepare and compare. And, as always, there was a huge difference between the size of our returns. However, the outfit that gave us the bigger return this year was different from the winner of the previous two years. Both are still guaranteeing the largest return. And what will we be doing with our return? It will be swallowed up in our non-descript savings account--except for the little bit we use to fly a babysitter down here to watch our kids so we can go on the cruise I'm sure I am about to win. [Announcement of winners on April 15! Can tax day get here any faster!!!!!]

What was I thinking?

It's happened to you too. No one who has a Costco membership is spared. We have all purchased things that seemed a good idea, a good deal, or at the very least, a consumable quantity and found later (sometimes just an hour later) that we were oh so very wrong. I've done it lots of times; although recently I've been having a Costco-buyers-remorse-free streak. So, I guess it was high time for another blunder. And sadly, it may be my biggest lapse-of-judgment blunder since before I became an executive member (ok, since the days I was a "regular" white-card-holding member too).

I purchased a huge, Costco-sized bag of

French

Fried

Onions.

How did this happen? Sure, you get excited filling your cart to overflowing. Sure, the food demonstrators are pursuasive. But really? French fried onions? What was I thinking?

I only know two dishes that use them. First, the ubiquitous green bean casserole. I only see this at Thanksgiving and have NEVER made it--Thanksgiving or no. Second, my mom's shepherd pie, which I love and make frequently, but always without the french fried onions because I never have any. So now, naturally, when I make it I still omit the onions forgetting that I have them. Do I ever.

The huge resealable bag (1 1/2 pounds) has photos of French Fried Onions on omlettes, salads, burgers, twice baked potatoes, soup, and green bean casserole. I figured there wouldn't be a day in my life when I wouldn't use them--obviously! The possibilities are endless. But unloading the groceries I had to swallow hard when I reallized what I had done. The sad truth is that I might have been better off purchasing a huge glass jar of marachino cherries.

She's Got Talent

-or-

"I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to...maybe"

B is not the type to throw a bone to anyone—even his loving wife. He simply doesn’t give praise or compliments. At all. This has been tough for me, because I absolutely adore praise and compliments. I work for them, expect them, and delight in them. I still long for the day when he will change, but in the meantime, I can gage his esteem for me by the fact that he cooks me breakfast (eggs, bacon, toast) every morning that he doesn’t work. Every morning. Without me asking or him asking me. It’s been years! This is no small feat either. I only like eggs one way—and not even I know how to make them. B taught himself how to make eggs I like by trying every single morning he had, listening to me tell him how close he had come to the eggs I like, and then making adjustments. Like I said, I don’t even cook myself eggs because I can’t do it the way I like. But B persevered, mastered the trick, and makes me breakfast every day. That’s his style.

So, one time, when he was pressed to provide a list or letter detailing my strengths, talents, and general good traits, B fell a bit short of my own expectation of myself. I had listened to the several lists that others had written. The experience was often touching and enlightening. I so looked forward to hear what B would say. Imagine my shock and embarrassment to hear instead of a lengthy proclamation of love, the short statement:

“She’s a good saran-wrapper.”

Um…what else?

That was it.

“I’m a good saran wrapper?” I asked incredulously.
“You get it so tight.”

“You wrap saran better than any woman I know”

Then, a couple of years later, I got another compliment. It turns out, folks, that I “make really good guacamole”!!!! I was quite elated to hear him tell someone this. I even asked him about it later (see--these compliments don't come often). “Do you really think my guac is good.” “Yeah.” And you know what? It IS good! I feel so confident in and proud of my guac! I will be sure to include this on my own list of personal strengths from now on (a list which, don’t worry, contains many more items than those identified in an articulate manner by B).

Anyway, these talents were on my mind last night as I put saran wrap over some leftover guacamole. I still play to my strengths.