I had done it. I had actually shot my eye out.

As a lover of all things muy spicy, I have been known to buy and cook with fresh jalapenos. I am fully aware of the danger inherent in such cooking—not to the mouth, but to the eyes. I use a tiny food processor that chops the jalaps to a near-pulp in a couple seconds, thereby limiting the amount of skin to jalapeno contact, however the jalapenos must first be sliced lengthwise and the seeds must be removed. It is inevitable that essence of jalapeno will get on your hands, and while it causes no pain to hands and fingers (provided, of course that there are no cuts or hangnails), ANY contact with the eyes brings instant, intense, incapacitating pain. Seriously, remove your contacts BEFORE you cook with these, and be prepared to wear glasses the next day. I suppose you could instead wear gloves while cutting and gutting the jalaps, but I have always resorted to wearing glasses for 48 hours.

Sounds extreme? Every few years I think so too. Too much worry. It’s not really THAT bad… I cooked with them hours ago and have washed my hands repeatedly since that time. Then, inevitably, I burn my eye out when I pull my contacts out. Lesson learned, again.

Unfortunately, the requisite number of years had passed for me to once again discount what I knew to be true about jalapenos—in a big way. Recipe called for one? I did three—of the spicy size (the bigger they are, the milder they are). Although I did use the food processor, I used no caution when cutting and gutting the jalaps—in fact, I pulled/brushed the seeds out with my bare fingers. Hands were washed repeatedly, I’m sure. But, a couple hours after dinner, while getting ready for bed, I removed a contact. [Luckily, I got it in the less-than-a-second that my finger was in contact with my eye, although it had to be thrown away.] I was doubled over in searing pain instantly, unable to open either eye or to explain what was wrong. Eventually, I communicated the problem to B, who tried unsuccessfully to force water into my eye in the bathroom sink. My head and face were under the running water, but my eyes would NOT open. There’s not much space in a bathroom sink under the running water, so B decided we need to move to the kitchen sink. Not only is the kitchen sink big, it also has one of those retractable spraying devices. Perfect! I was incapacitated (eyes cemented shut, crying, dripping face/head) so B moved me there.

At this point I was really worried. It had been 10 minutes of continuous burning. Had the essence of jalapeno eaten away many layers of the eyeball? Do these layers regenerate? I tried HARD to force my eyes open—which is not easy to do under “normal” conditions when someone is spraying you in the face with a hose of water, but even more difficult when they hurt so bad and just won’t let you!

Then it happened. The burning pain, mixed with the trauma of water being shot at my face, mixed with the extreme effort I was making to force my eyes open more than a millimeter every ten seconds overcame my bladder. Yes, I lost control. It really can happen. As it was happening two thoughts ran through my mind:
1. Well, THIS is different.
2. This is not the worst of my problems right now. [How often would peeing your pants not shoot to the top of your list of problems?]
Luckily, I had just used the restroom five minutes before this episode, so it wasn’t THAT bad. (B was surprised it happened at all. Didn’t you just go? Well, these days one of my talents is being able to go anytime, whether I think I have to or not.)

Eventually, I did manage to open my eye for a good long time. Then B had the difficult job of extracting the OTHER contact lens from the in-tact eye. After all that, it was into the shower with me. There, I attempted to scrub my hands with ALL the soaps/shampoos we have. Even so, my entire face was mildly burning after I used the face wash. The bedtime routine took an extra hour that night. It’s been over a week and I have not stopped wearing my glasses. I think the lesson has REALLY been learned this time.

Waffle House is for lovers!

When I saw my first Waffle House three years ago, I thought I was seeing THE Waffle House. The diner’s appearance did not suggest that it was actually one of hundreds of Waffle Houses. Who would have thought it? The place looks small, dirty, old,…and that sign? It’s as if they aren’t even TRYING to get people to want to eat there. These flaws can be overlooked if the establishment really is just ONE hole-in-the-wall diner or if the food is fantastic. Well, the food is not fantastic and I was shocked as I realized I was not, in fact, driving past the same Waffle House over and over. Shock turned to disgust as I realized just how many there were. If you pass one, no need to be a hero and turn the car around. There will be another soon.

I certainly had no intention of eating at a Waffle House. A hole in the wall diner? Maybe. But not a hole-in-the-wall chain. If I want breakfast, I’ll go to IHOP (bigger, nicer, cleaner, a MENU (with TONS of choices),…and a blue roof! Now that’s effort. A blue roof says, “notice us and eat here; you’ll be glad you did!”) So, after about a year, a best friend comes to visit. She brings with her a list of “things people have told me to do in Atlanta,” which is sort of a variation of the lists I bring to places I visit (“things I want to do in ______”). The list was quite amusing, except for the requisite “Eat at a Waffle House.” Great. “You don’t want to do that,” I reasoned. But B thought it was a funny and legitimate request, so we went. It was everything I expected—once again, fine if it’s a single hole-in-the-wall establishment purposely trying to create some sort of ambiance from the flaws or simply unable to fix them, but not fine for a chain. I ordered what they serve (there’s no need to consult a menu; we only serve one thing in this restaurant…) and the food was acceptable. Months later B and I ate at a Waffle House again, although I can’t remember the circumstances.

Two days before Valentine’s Day, I saw in the paper that one Waffle House location would be serving Valentine’s dinner (well, their normal fare [and price], but at dinnertime…for Valentine’s Day). The restaurant would have red plastic over the lights to give it a “rosy” glow and the tables would have red or white plastic over them. Servers would wear red ties and were ordered to whisper instead of bark. There would even be candles and fake red flowers! Reservations required. This intrigued me. Strange, I know, that I won’t eat there on a normal day, but I would love to eat there on the one day that most people are trying to do something special and nice by eating out as fancy as their conscience will allow.

B is of the opinion that Valentine’s Day is “stupid.” I agree with some of the reasons he hates it, namely, the pressure to do something/spend money on THAT DAY, the restaurant madness (busy and overpriced), the exorbitant cost of flowers at that time, and the silly merchandise produced just for this made up day (red stuffed bears, valentine boxes of chocolates, etc.). However, I really ENJOY Valentine’s Day celebrated in ways other than the ones he likes to rant about. I really like making, giving, and receiving valentines, and I like thinking of something fun to do/give to my family members. And, frankly, I do not feel it is acceptable to ignore the good of the spirit of Valentine ’s Day just because of the commercialism. I wrote about last year’s V-day in a previous post [see "A Golden Ticket"]. Unfortunately for B, “stinky cheeses” are currently [and regrettably] on my do-not-eat list. What says I love you like stinky cheese? He was nervous. What could he do this year? Luckily, my office bailed us both out. We decided to use our free weekend getaway [see "I will gladly share with you…the grand prize"] as our valentine celebration. So, both of us had no intentions of planning/doing anything for V-day. But, how could I pass this up?

So, I made reservations. It was all going to be a surprise for B! I had no fear that he would be doing something at that time to surprise me, given his aversion to normal V-day celebratory practices and our weekend away just a couple weeks before. How the “surprise” part went is another story, but the actual Waffle House valentine dinner was more than I ever hoped! It was so great! In addition to the things mentioned in the paper, they took your picture, printed it, and put it in a little cardboard frame, embossed with “Waffle House—Valentine’s Day 2009”. They gave out free desert after your dinner/breakfast, along with other fun freebies. Mostly though, it was just fun. The staff acted so excited and treated everyone so special. And the whole place DID look positively festive with the plastic over all the lights.

If we were to have another V-day in Atlanta, we would do this AGAIN. Next year. I highly recommend it. (Check the website for the location/phone number; they start taking reservations the week of Valentine’s Day.)

So, I married a Thermian...

In honor of V-day, I would like to share a story that illustrates one of B’s most admirable qualities. However, let the reader be duly warned that the story is sad and embarrassing, in addition to being inspiring and [a tiny bit] funny. Read on, once you have your tissues handy.

B is a fit guy. He exercises all the time. What he loves to participate in are individual sports, like cycling (road and mountain biking), swimming, running, and, therefore, triathaloning--also rock climbing and kiyaking. Despite the solitary nature of these activities, B is also a friendly guy—much more of a social creature than I am—and will accept any invitation to play anything (racquetball, volleyball, and, in today’s story, basketball) for the fun of it. For example, if you’re out picknicking with friends and someone brought a volleyball? Who’s in for a game? B will play…and have fun. He has no practice or training in these “games,” but, as I said before, he is fit [capable] and he tries hard [hustles]. Still though, he usually calls himself the “worst one on the team” when he finishes playing. (I don’t think he’s as bad as he thinks he is; I think he just compares himself to people who are very talented and have worked hard to become so. In any case, even if he’s NOT an asset, he isn’t a liability.)

Last year, we were too busy for B to participate in “church ball.” Our congregation is so large that we actually have two teams, whereas the other congregations have just one. We also have A LOT of very talented (and competitive) players. [Keep in mind that although some players are competitive, everyone out there just really loves playing and it’s all pretty low key, although they do have a scoreboard... So, although B did not attend ANY practices this winter, he shows up at their first game two Saturdays ago. No problem. Anyone can play. Practices were just our two teams playing each other. There are no coaches/drills/plays. It’s all for fun…]

I did not attend this opening game. I would rather be asleep on Saturday morning at 7:30AM when he leaves (plus, I have my own gym class to attend a little later). I had asked him in the days leading up to the game if, perhaps, he should have some basketball shoes. I believe in having the proper equipment. But no. He decided to use the skateboarding shoes he’s had since junior high. ZERO traction. An interesting choice. After I got home from my gym class, I immediately asked:
L: “How did it go?!?!”
B: “I was the worst one on the team.”
[totally expected him to say that]
B: “I only touched the ball once the whole game.”
[ooooohh. This sounds worse than I thought…]
L: “How long did you play?”
B: “Half the game. I got NO rebounds and they passed it to me ONCE—well, I guess I touched the ball twice, but one of those times they were passing it in from the sideline [from one end of the court to the other end where the players were now congregating]; they were throwing it way down to another player, but I didn't see and walked right in the way and it hit me in the head.”
MUCH worse than I thought. Passed to once and hit in the head by a hail mary pass that was meant for someone else, but you weren't paying any attention and walked right in the way? [To quote the Crazy Quilt Dragon, "Shame to the left of me! Shame to the right of me!"] I asked about the shoes and he admitted that indeed he was sliding all over—flailing his arms, sliding everywhere. I suggested yet again that he consider getting some basketball shoes and secretly wondered whether he would go back the next Saturday after what sounded like an utterly humiliating display.

Friday, when I got home from work, he was making dinner wearing regular clothes. I only got through two-and-a-half sentences before I stopped, mid-sentence. He was wearing shiny new basketball shoes!!!! Hooray! This means that he WILL go back! Maybe the experience wasn’t as damaging to him as it would have been to me! This guy never gives up!

The next Saturday I hoped to hear a good report when I got back from my class. It happened. No sliding, he got rebounds, they passed it to him, he even shot, [next week perhaps he’ll score!]!!! Total difference! Although, he’s “still one of the worst on the team.”

This week, because my class has ended, I will be attending the game (and maybe others till the game season ends in about six more weeks). So far both of our congregation’s teams are undefeated. They play each other on Saturday. I love that it could well be said of B that he lives by the same motto the Thermians adopted:

“Never give up; neverrrrr surrrrrender.”

Sporty Me

I feel there are three things that would compel a person to exercise—and I mean exercise simply for exercise’s sake (that is, exercise that does not involve fun and games):

1.To avoid becoming fat (or to fight the fats if you already have them)
2. To be more healthy without regard to fat (specifically, improving your heart, your bone density, your lung capacity, etc.)
3. Because you plain like it

None of these have ever motivated me to exercise. Yet, I have always considered myself active and capable. That is, I enjoy doing thing / trying things that are active and I’ve never really been unable to participate in anything I’ve tried. I enjoyed PE-type classes (plus some dance classes) in college; I love hiking and badminton and rock climbing—and how I wish I had discovered racquetball sooner! I’m never “good” at these things (I don’t practice much either, so I don’t feel too bad), but I really like doing them. I even made the jr. high basketball team for a couple years. It was so fun—being on the team and practicing! Loved it! Do I really love basketball, or am I [was I] good? No. But I could do everything I needed to in try-outs and practice, and it was so fun.

Because I like to do things and have been blessed with non-fat genes, people often assume that I am fit. I’m not. I even had a doctor accuse me once of being a runner from listening to my heart. Ha! Ha ha! SO NOT a runner. Zero motivation to simply run. That’s exercise for exercise’s sake and the three motivations given above do not move me to it.

B exercises all the time. He is motivated by all three reasons above. So, he gets health benefits, fights/avoids the fats, and enjoys doing it! Lucky. He tries and is usually successful at exercising every day. He enjoys running and road biking and swimming and weight lifting—all things I don’t enjoy doing as exercise. Exercise for exercise’s sake. Agony. But, he inspired me. I’ve always know what my doctors don’t know, and that is that I’m not as fit as they think I am. I worry about my heart health in the long run. If I were to add exercise to my routine, I’d be doing all I could for my heart and could rest easy [I’m still in denial about my salt addiction]. B exercises in ANY conditions and after a while I decided that I SHOULD be going along. He was thrilled each time I would go, though it usually meant that he would have to change his workout plan (if I come, he’ll have to run on the treadmill instead of outside so we can be together, etc.). My workouts are always shorter than his, but we each have a buddy (more of a benefit for me, since I know HE will never shy away from the day’s workout). So, after months of watching him leave to exercise, I started OCCASIONALLY working out too. Imagine his supreeze when he saw what a wimp I am at the gym. I’ll hike for days, but I’ll wimp out on the treadmill or lifting weights in much less time than he thought I would, given what he already knew about me from the things we do together. I’m just not great at pushing myself at the gym. Well, over the next months I felt pretty good about my “health” if I did three 30 minute treadmill or elliptical sessions per week. I never caught on to the weights. Sometimes several weeks would go by with only one workout per week. I was sad that I never felt excited to work out. I never felt anything but dread. I just hate it.

In the fall, I was hit with a lengthy case of nausea, exhaustion, and “back” (tailbone/pelvis/hip) pain. Exercise could not continue. I still have the “back” pain daily, but it comes and goes throughout the day and I simply have to live with it. So, I went back to my old exercise regimen in December.

Then, in January, I made the most ambitious fitness-related goal of my life, namely, to exercise for exercise’s sake at least five days per week. B said it couldn’t [wouldn’t] be done, but I’m 1/12 there and it’s actually going BETTER than when I used to exercise only three times per week max. It really hasn’t been bad. For anyone struggling with exercise, here are two things that helped me:

1. I have two classes at a gym. This provides variety (not to mention the motivation of an instructor who pushes you farther than you want to go). If I were trying to do my usual things in my usual gym at least five times a week, I would get sick of it and give up. It’s nice that every few days I’m at a different place doing one of my two classes. Plus, I had to pay for this experience, so no matter how much I don’t want to go, I will push myself to go and “get my money’s worth”. Win-win-win.
2. My typical workout week now includes two 40 minute elliptical sessions, two gym classes, one day of weight training and practice at class moves I need to improve, and one hour-long walk (on Sunday). So really, there’s just one day off per week, since I don’t count Sunday’s walk as exercise. The fact that I have to do something every day has helped me to BE consistent. You might think that starting with one workout would provide the most potential for success, but by making exercise a necessary and non-negotiable part of your day, you don’t waste time trying to decide “is THIS the day I want to work out?”—I never want to work out so I often ended up saying no most of the time and then being in a bind when something happened in the week to prevent exercise on the only day left in the week. Now, I just have to do it, so it’s less of a big deal. The day I miss is the day when I simply am not home at all. Every day when I get home, I’m on my way down to the gym. No excuses work with my new workout schedule. It’s so much better.

I couldn't resist, mate.

Well, I DID resist for several weeks, but in the end I caved to Cirque du Soleil. The process had three steps.

Step 1: After attending La Nouba in Orlando I became a dyed-in-the-wool fan. I had never seen a Cirque du Soleil performance before (either on television or live) so I had only a vague idea of what such a performance might entail. Like anyone, I had heard RAVE reviews from people who have seen performances (EITHER on television or live) and I wanted to give it its best shot, so I got tickets right in the front. As any longtime readers know [from a previous post] it was one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed—top five (although I still don’t have a top five list; still just two). I became one of the people who rave about Cirque du Soleil—although I reserve my official endorsement for La Nouba. If you ever get the chance to see it, DO. Make any sacrifices necessary. I implore people to go ahead and see any Cirque du Soleil performance they can (although the others do not have my money-back guarantee—yet).

Step 2: Cirque du Soleil brings Kooza! to Atlanta. So, based on my beliefs, I, and everyone else in the area, should attend. Boy, did I want to...kind of. It would cost us $200 and we sort of “just” saw it. I was fine paying big bucks the first time and I think I would be fine in the future, but right now? I started to see a few ways my endorsement should be modified. I had maintained that a person should see the show at any opportunity. But certainly, this cannot apply to those who have every opportunity, such as the inhabitants of Las Vegas. I didn't feel a need to see Kooza, I wanted to just the same. It didn’t help matters that the gigantic and spectacular tent is pitched right by our house. But no. We shouldn’t see it right now. After all, since November I had been in a sort of cold war with my HR department over future pregnancy related benefit issues. Very scary. So, with potential job/benefit loss just around the corner, Kooza! REALLY seemed unnecessary.

Step 3: Finally had it out with HR last week. Everything went great. I still have a job and have been offered more benefits than I expected or deserve. I decided we did not need to live in fear! In celebration, (because I now know that everything will be better than I had originally feared even IF I lose my job) and as a reward for my suffering the last few months as I worried and researched my “rights” in preparation for last week’s confrontation, we bought tickets. Front row.

So, perhaps it is inaccurate to say that I “caved” to the siren call of the Cirque. It was a joyful decision—one I would not have made if Step 3 had not occurred. Was it as good as La Nouba? No. But, you still see things you can’t see anywhere else. These people are crazy. Unfortunately, this show inexplicably gave about 40 minutes of time to the most awful clowns I have ever seen. They were obnoxious and inappropriate and appear to have the least amount of talent of any human on the planet due to the juxtaposition with the talent displayed by the other performers. We watch amazing performers, and then suddenly stupid talking clowns are insulting our freshly edified souls. It just didn’t fit. I felt ripped off. Bring out people with talent. Even clowns with talent. It was so weird that the show gives them time to perform when, seriously, any member of the audience could have been more entertaining. But, it’s no big deal. See the “family friendly” show in Orlando before you die. See any other show you get the chance to. Don’t let the clowns turn you away (just don’t sit in the front row or on any aisle). You will still see the most amazing things. It defies what you would have believed and leaves you stunned and able to believe quite a bit more than you thought was reasonable.

The Auspicious Year of the Golden Ox

Everyone is cordially invited to participate in the Tuley Baby Guessing Contest 2009. The winner will be posted on this blog within one week (7 days) of baby’s arrival, after all the points have been totaled. Scoring to be calculated by rocket scientist B, BS/BA/MS/MBA; scoring formulas will be posted when the winner is announced. All decisions are final. Winner will receive an as-yet undetermined prize (most likely something we don’t feel like packing for the move—the baby will not be considered).

Please include the following in your entry:

Gender
Date
Time
Weight
Length
Method of Arrival*

*Please choose one of the following, or insert your own answer: natural, epidural, forceps, vacuum, c-section, [_________]
In the event that more than one method is used, points go to the final method.

Do your own work—no hints. We will not be providing information regarding parents’ birth weights, gender hunches, birthing philosophies, etc. As far as the date is concerned, think of the entire month of May as the due window; April would be early, but all of May is right on time. As this is not a pregnancy blog, no updates will be given as to baby’s “progress” so as not to give an unfair advantage to late participants. Participants’ guesses will be displayed on this blog; anonymity will be protected only by a transparent system of initials. Enter your guess by making a comment to this post or to any future post or by emailing me directly.